Spiritual Warfare = :(

So, anyone feel like no matter what, it's inevitable that you're going to let the lies of the enemy overpower you? I suppose this happens with everyone at one point or another. I feel like I'm living out with a brand new identity, the real me, and yet? Feelings from before are still creeping in.

I can say with confidence that I've finally learned (as weird as this may sound) to be 100% myself. I'm building amazing friendships and am experiencing the joy of the Lord in fresh and beautiful ways. But I just will not let myself accept that there really might be, actually, that there are people out there that enjoy me for exactly the person that I am.

I'd grown so used to disguising myself for people that weren't accepting of the real me that they defined for me who I was. And even still I struggle to supress the feelings that had crippled the masked version of myself. Maybe it's because the complete opposite is happening in my life, and it just doesn't make sense to me.

Within the past month, in being my complete self, I've had quite a few people tell me that I'm one of the funniest people they've ever met. No doubt I think these friendships in my life are a demonstration of the Lord's heart for me. As if he's saying, through other people:

"There you are Courtney. Look at you. How beautiful you are. Welcome to the person I've created you to be."

As cheesy as that sounds, that's just how I feel. But the problem is that sometimes, though I do not want to in the least, I drown out that voice and let the lies of the enemy penetrate into my soul as I question 'How is it possible that people are so accepting of the real me?' 'Does this person really love me?'

I find myself thanking friends when they tell me I'm funny. I'd grown so accustomed to the usual 'Courtney that was stupid' that I can't help it. All this to say , as I wrestle this spiritual warfare in my life, I can no doubt feel the presence of the Lord more strongly than ever, and can feel that I have almost reached the summit.

thanks!