The Utter Presence

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar. Really I'm just another human struggling through this thing called life. But oh how grateful am I that I serve in the Lord's Army.

Speaking of. I just heard about the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda; taking up innocent children and having them slaughter their own people. Though the gruesome activity has grown scarce.. My heart weeps for them. Oh Kony... if only you'd stop trying to fulfill the hole in your life with false spirits and power and surrender to the One meant to fill that hole.

The people of this world are broken. My heart goes out to the children abducted in the LRA. After such a life... I can't even try to or begin to imagine what it would be like to recover. I can't help but wonder what their initial reaction would be upon hearing about God. But that's what I love about God. He gives his people the power to look past, no matter how terrible, the things they have done and instead look to the hope that is in front of them.

What greater reward exists than seeing a face turn from hopelessness to hope? There isn't one.

Last night I found myself just crying and kissing my Bible. I have the right to freely exercise my faith.. What am going to do for those that don't? More importantly, what am I going to do to to alter facial expressions from utter lostness to healing?

Lord, here I am. Send me where you will.

I am a hazard to myself.

How can I shake these feelings of utter failure? Of inadequacy? Though I know in Him I am made adequate, still I can't seem to believe it. Love your neighbor as yourself. I love my neighbor, but do I love myself? I've come to the realization that I don't. If not that, there's something not right with me.

And this feels like a never-ending battle. Constantly I am torn apart by feelings of just not being good enough.Not being committed to God enough. Not pouring into people enough. The hardest part about it is that these spats of depression, or whatever they are, seem to happen a lot: at least in my opinion. So I tend to try (but fail to) keep my feelings hidden, because I don't want to become some needy person. I feel like I will lose those closest to me if I constantly bring these things to surface. But I'm at a loss for what to do because I really need to talk with someone about it. I have here and there.. but it seems like nothing is working.

This morning we were singing a song that said "You are my love, my life, always forever." I couldn't bring myself to sing it because it's simply not true of my life. It's always "Jesus I want more of you, but..." As if my God isn't good enough for more of me? Thus begins the cycle of feeling like a failure in Christ.

I could write forever.. but for what?

Jesus, I need you.

Blessed Beyond Reason

I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. Mostly I just felt the need to write out how incredibly blessed I am. It's kind of beyond explanation really. The friendships in my life... man did the Lord come through. And the fellowship? Man does it feel good.

Conversations with friends about the supernatural aspects of God...
about SPIRITUAL giftings that are so often diminished to human realities....
about being baptized in the Holy Spirit.....
the unshakable power of the Lord......

I no longer want to just talk about these things... I want to experience them. Lord I believe. May you come in the way that you desire.