I am a hazard to myself.

How can I shake these feelings of utter failure? Of inadequacy? Though I know in Him I am made adequate, still I can't seem to believe it. Love your neighbor as yourself. I love my neighbor, but do I love myself? I've come to the realization that I don't. If not that, there's something not right with me.

And this feels like a never-ending battle. Constantly I am torn apart by feelings of just not being good enough.Not being committed to God enough. Not pouring into people enough. The hardest part about it is that these spats of depression, or whatever they are, seem to happen a lot: at least in my opinion. So I tend to try (but fail to) keep my feelings hidden, because I don't want to become some needy person. I feel like I will lose those closest to me if I constantly bring these things to surface. But I'm at a loss for what to do because I really need to talk with someone about it. I have here and there.. but it seems like nothing is working.

This morning we were singing a song that said "You are my love, my life, always forever." I couldn't bring myself to sing it because it's simply not true of my life. It's always "Jesus I want more of you, but..." As if my God isn't good enough for more of me? Thus begins the cycle of feeling like a failure in Christ.

I could write forever.. but for what?

Jesus, I need you.